Journey through the unknown of self...

I had the distinct privilege of attending a 'Regroup' conference in Loveland, CO last month. During this youth ministry training conference we participated in a 'self-awareness' exercise called 'Who's On My Bus?' During the exercise we were supposed to come up with at least 5 people who represent your personality. I thought I had this one down pat. I scribbled furiously and quickly all the people who influence my thinking (because I am a strategic thinker) which only consisted of preachers and teachers (what a boring bus). But then when I shared my bus with my group I was quickly taken off guard when a lady in my group (not my wife) said 'there is no way I would get on that bus'. Not liking to not be liked at all this comment sent me into a wave of high-strung emotion. I thought my bus was cool?! This started a long night of processing and stressing about who was on my bus. Over the next 24-48 hours with much help from my wife I identified at least 5 or 6 people on my bus. But it truly made me realize that sometimes I just do not know myself as well as I might think.  

In reading Augustine's Confessions, I ran across a statement that has been tossing around my mind for a few days now. Augustine states, "“For though no one can know a man’s thoughts, except the man’s own spirit that is within him, there are some things in man which even his own spirit within him does not know. But you, O Lord, know all there is to know of him, because you made him.” I think Augustine is on to something. There is so much about ourselves that we are so unaware of. And of course this has to do with sin, but so much more than sin. Tim Keller recently preached a sermon in which he said that the inner spirit is so complex that even we ourselves cannot understand it.

Why do we have this type of personality? Why do we act this way around one group of people and that way around another group? Why do we prefer to be alone sometimes and yet sometimes are afraid of being alone? Why do we treat the ones we love the most the worst one moment and yet the best at another? God has truly created humans complex and beyond understanding, even to themselves. This might stress some of us out... however, I take comfort in the fact that He created me intimately, just the way He wanted me and He knows all there is to know about me.      

So, when you are trying to become more self-aware, and stress out about who might be on your bus... don't worry, you'll never figure it out completely but there is one who knows you best of all walking the journey with you. Trust the Lord into the journey of the unknown land of your inner-self.